Broken Fixing Broken

"I will fix you, I can help you get better, , you're never too broken ". Thats me,
I'm that girl who's always trying to "save the world", always trying to spread the hope that nomatter what emotional or psychological damage has been done to a person, they can be fixed, they can be healed and unbroken.
But who am I really trying to convince? Who am I really trying to save?
Is it them or is it me?

You see, I'm like a magnet for broken people.Me being the one drawn to them.
Where other people see no hope, where people have given up, I believed I could stay and fix things.

So when it came to men and relationships,
I chose to be with the most damaged, the most broken, the most ignorant, the hopeless men in every aspect of of life, I chose them because I thought that I could save them, I wanted to save them. I must save them,  I told myself, not wanting to admit to myself  that I was selfish; because  deep down, I was screaming, Save me..., please save me.
But it seemed easier to block out my own cries for help, even from myself rather than letting someone in the help me. I was scared to face myself, I scared to look at myself, scared to express myself, but I
was mostly scared of being alone with myself.
So I kept myself busy, Trying to save these people who were lost, damaged and in pain like me, secretly hoping that they would notice my pain too, hoping they would save me back, even thou I wasn't asking to be saved out loud.

It never worked, infact, each relationship broke me even further because I failed to save the person who I was trying to save each time and they never noticed my pain, or they noticed it and simply didn't care.
And each time that I failed to save someone, who didn't want to be saved, and I gave up on them or they totally shut me out, I felt guilty.
I felt guilty that I couldn't save them, and I got mad that they didn't appreciate my efforts to help make them better, to unbreak them... and mad that they couldn't see my pain or didn't care that I was in pain, and mad that they couldn't save me.

It was a viscous cycle in which I was both the villain and the victim.
All because I was too scared to face my demons, and admit that all the terrible experiences that I had as a child affected me, cause I was to scared that no-one would listen to me, no-one would understand me, and that no-one would love me If they knew all the bad things that were done to me and the bad things that I did to myself as a cry for help.
I thought I was worthless, and the more I broke myself, the more I hated myself and made myself believe that I deserved all the pain that I was feeling.
So it was two sick needs feeding each other, my addiction to pain and my need to save other broken people,   hoping that they would save me...And dating broken men ensured that I had my daily dose of this dreadful drug.

It went on so long that in time, I couldn't be alone, I couldn't be without a  broken relationship..I started feeling that I wasn't worthy of a good man, that I didn't deserve to be be Happy. So I shut myself down to all happiness, I became withdrawn from the world, from life…

I built this wall around my mind, my heart, even my body, a safety zone where I blocked out all emotions and feelings accept anger...I became paranoid, everything new or that I didn't have complete control over, was bad and upset me..and if something or someone didn't allow me total control, I would get mad and just shut it out...Anything that made me the slightest bit uncomfortable was evil and I avoided it...There was only my way, I developed  sets of rules and ideas in my head that I believed were they only way things had to be done so that I don't get hurt or that i am not seen as weak.

I stopped trying to save others, I thought I was saving me, but my damage had just gone from one phase to an even worse phase… THE VOID